MADE IN SUMMERLAND

 Monday 27th August 2015

 

 This time next week, it will be over for another year - the Anniversary.

 

 When I woke this morning, I had that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach - when you know that something you fear is becoming ever closer.

 How different it would have been in 1973, when each new morning would have brought the exciting realisation that our summer holiday was almost here.

 I survived what lay in wait across the Irish Sea and I'm returning once again. Going back to the Island that's captured my heart - despite the horrors I encountered there, as a little child; innocent and full of hope.

 How will I endure this new Anniversary? What can I do to ease the pain?

 As well as the burden of fifty souls, who perished - while I survived - I carry the pain of a relationship damaged on the night of the fire. A relationship that I can never change now; it's too late.

 I will bring with me also, the worry and strain forced on my family and friends as a result of our suffering. It does not diminish with the years that pass.

 The 2nd of August will release once more, the torrent of grief I managed to stem - eventually - when my grandmother passed. It's constant pressure threatening to break down the barrier I so carefully built to contain it.
When I lay in agony in my hospital bed, she came to me; my comfort and consolation in a new and terrifying world of pain. A world in which I was often shunned, no longer acceptable in the eyes of some: Gran was there. My hero.
On Sunday evening, my tears will not be selfish ones, they will be for her. During her final months of life, gran was transported to the past. In her mind, she was once again in Nobles, waiting for news - fearing the approach of someone official who might speak the words she was totally unprepared to hear. She cried to me as I held her hand and tried to comfort her. To explain, that those days were gone, I survived and was with her still. She couldn't understand and perhaps nor do I.
"Summerland" is so much more than people comprehend.
So - what CAN I do to ease the pain? The answer is NOTHING. I can only endure and carry on, just as I've always done; as I always will.